Naked ironing can be dangerous.
That is all.
Showing posts with label Captain Crab's Interesting Stuff of the Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Captain Crab's Interesting Stuff of the Day. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Captian Crab's Diet Plan
I visited my Doctor today for a follow up concerning the slight medical problem I encountered in December. In early January, tests showed my cholesterol slightly elevated. Elevated enough to go on medication. It was recommended that I change my eating habits a bit too.
Since mid January, my weight has dropped from 196 pounds to 181 pounds! I would like to lose about 10-12 pounds more, but that will require exercise, and that sucks!
All of you are reading this saying "Whoa Crab Guy, how did you do it?" Well Kids, it's easier done than said but I'll give it my best shot. This is what I used to do for dinner on the road.
I gave up or severely reduced eating the following:
eggs
most meat (no Gwen I will not go full veggie again)
bread
soda (diet* INCLUDED)
I am eating more:
fish
vegetables, both raw and steamed
fruit
But, I believe the most important thing that I have done is quit drinking beer during the week. Instead, I now drink a vodka martini before dinner (or supper for some of you) and a glass of red wine with my meal.
On Friday and Saturday I still enjoy a bock or two or three or.........
*diet sodas contain some chemicals in the sweetener which enhance the appetite
Since mid January, my weight has dropped from 196 pounds to 181 pounds! I would like to lose about 10-12 pounds more, but that will require exercise, and that sucks!
All of you are reading this saying "Whoa Crab Guy, how did you do it?" Well Kids, it's easier done than said but I'll give it my best shot. This is what I used to do for dinner on the road.
I gave up or severely reduced eating the following:
eggs
most meat (no Gwen I will not go full veggie again)
bread
soda (diet* INCLUDED)
I am eating more:
fish
vegetables, both raw and steamed
fruit
But, I believe the most important thing that I have done is quit drinking beer during the week. Instead, I now drink a vodka martini before dinner (or supper for some of you) and a glass of red wine with my meal.
On Friday and Saturday I still enjoy a bock or two or three or.........
*diet sodas contain some chemicals in the sweetener which enhance the appetite
Monday, March 7, 2011
Communication is the Key
Communicating while inebriated is very important. Here are a few tips for you inexperienced individuals.
The Surly Slur
This powerful communication tool is very effective when you wish to vent animosity, but have no obvious direction in which to vent it. The secret is to adopt a delicate ego and selective sense of hearing. It goes like this:
You: “Have another drink.”
Acquaintance: “Thanks, but I can’t.”
You: “What? Did you just call me a c***?”
Acquaintance: “No! Of course not.”
You: “Oh, you’re saying I’m a liar then.”
Acquaintance: “What? You got it all wrong. I said—”
You: “Oh, so I’m deaf and dumb then, eh?”
Carefree Mumbling
If a listener is really lazy and asks you to repeat yourself, you have three options.
1.) Tell them to pull the corncobs out of his goddamn ears.
2.) Mumble louder.
3.) Wave him off and act supremely insulted for the rest of the evening.
Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm
Half the people in the world were dummies before you strolled in the bar and that percentage will climb in direct proportion to how many drinks you lay into. Of course, a gentleman such as yourself wouldn’t just come out and tell them they’re idiots, no, you will utilize the art of Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm to express your disdain. No need to be clever or subtle about it, those dolts wouldn’t understand subtlety if you hit them over the head with it.
Dummy: “Wow, it’s packed in here tonight.”
You: “Who are you, the goddamn fire marshal?”
Dummy: “Are you in line for a drink?”
You: “No, I’m just standing here because I get a thrill out of people asking me if I’m standing in line.”
Dummy: “What’s wrong with you?”
You: “What’s right with you?”
Aggressive Exaggeration and Flagrant Falsehoods
What is truth, anyway? Does anyone really know? If five people witness the same event, you’re likely to get five different versions of exactly what happened.
And if nobody else was on hand to witness the event that may or may not have happened, doesn’t the truth lie in your hands, even if you weren’t there?
You: “So, I was on my way to the video store when this van full of gangbangers waving guns tried to run me off the road. They were wearing blue, so I think they were Crips.”
Listener: “Really? What’d you do?”
You: “I floored it and nearly ran into a goddamn fire truck. The guy driving it looked like Kurt Russell.”
Listener: “No shit?”
You: “Yeah. As a matter of fact, it was Kurt Russell. He must be researching some new fireman movie. Anyway, he told me to follow him and we drove to a bar to meet his wife Goldie Hawn and have a couple beers.”
Listener: “Wife? I thought they never got married.”
You: “Well, that makes sense, because she was really hitting on me.”
There. You’re all set. You now have the requisite skills to communicate effectively while blasted. Sadly, none of these techniques will help you talk the bartender into giving you just one more drink.
Thanks to Modern Drunkard for these timely tips.
The Surly Slur
This powerful communication tool is very effective when you wish to vent animosity, but have no obvious direction in which to vent it. The secret is to adopt a delicate ego and selective sense of hearing. It goes like this:
You: “Have another drink.”
Acquaintance: “Thanks, but I can’t.”
You: “What? Did you just call me a c***?”
Acquaintance: “No! Of course not.”
You: “Oh, you’re saying I’m a liar then.”
Acquaintance: “What? You got it all wrong. I said—”
You: “Oh, so I’m deaf and dumb then, eh?”
Carefree Mumbling
If a listener is really lazy and asks you to repeat yourself, you have three options.
1.) Tell them to pull the corncobs out of his goddamn ears.
2.) Mumble louder.
3.) Wave him off and act supremely insulted for the rest of the evening.
Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm
Half the people in the world were dummies before you strolled in the bar and that percentage will climb in direct proportion to how many drinks you lay into. Of course, a gentleman such as yourself wouldn’t just come out and tell them they’re idiots, no, you will utilize the art of Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm to express your disdain. No need to be clever or subtle about it, those dolts wouldn’t understand subtlety if you hit them over the head with it.
Dummy: “Wow, it’s packed in here tonight.”
You: “Who are you, the goddamn fire marshal?”
Dummy: “Are you in line for a drink?”
You: “No, I’m just standing here because I get a thrill out of people asking me if I’m standing in line.”
Dummy: “What’s wrong with you?”
You: “What’s right with you?”
Aggressive Exaggeration and Flagrant Falsehoods
What is truth, anyway? Does anyone really know? If five people witness the same event, you’re likely to get five different versions of exactly what happened.
And if nobody else was on hand to witness the event that may or may not have happened, doesn’t the truth lie in your hands, even if you weren’t there?
You: “So, I was on my way to the video store when this van full of gangbangers waving guns tried to run me off the road. They were wearing blue, so I think they were Crips.”
Listener: “Really? What’d you do?”
You: “I floored it and nearly ran into a goddamn fire truck. The guy driving it looked like Kurt Russell.”
Listener: “No shit?”
You: “Yeah. As a matter of fact, it was Kurt Russell. He must be researching some new fireman movie. Anyway, he told me to follow him and we drove to a bar to meet his wife Goldie Hawn and have a couple beers.”
Listener: “Wife? I thought they never got married.”
You: “Well, that makes sense, because she was really hitting on me.”
There. You’re all set. You now have the requisite skills to communicate effectively while blasted. Sadly, none of these techniques will help you talk the bartender into giving you just one more drink.
Thanks to Modern Drunkard for these timely tips.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Some Things to Worry About (updated)
It started snowing Sunday and has been snowing off and on since then. 8-10" by my very unscientific measuring technique (don't even think of asking!). The wind is supposed to pick up this afternoon and start blowing it to and froe. Another snow day.
But that doesn't worry me as much as this:
Update: I am going to contact Steve the Pilot Guy to see if he can fly one of his Cessnas at the Blob and then fend of the Alien spaceships to save us all from a complete and gory death.
I wonder if the Aliens will be mad if they get here and the Blob has already destroyed the Earth?
But that doesn't worry me as much as this:
or this:WASHINGTON – There’s a giant green blob in outer space. It’s alive and it’s heading for Earth!
Three giant alien spaceships are heading for Earth! Scientists predict they will arrive in early 2011.but worst of all, this:
WASHINGTON, DC - The FCC has declared that nudity will now be allowed on TV – including full frontal nudity!Read all of these amazing stories here
Update: I am going to contact Steve the Pilot Guy to see if he can fly one of his Cessnas at the Blob and then fend of the Alien spaceships to save us all from a complete and gory death.
I wonder if the Aliens will be mad if they get here and the Blob has already destroyed the Earth?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Crab Lover's Special
Updated:
I have nothing.
I apologize.
Oh boy, I just learned that a "jiffy" is about 1/100th of a second. That's approximate of course. It's actually the time it takes for light to cover the radius of an electron!
Hang around and cool stuff happens!
I have nothing.
I apologize.
Oh boy, I just learned that a "jiffy" is about 1/100th of a second. That's approximate of course. It's actually the time it takes for light to cover the radius of an electron!
Hang around and cool stuff happens!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Driver's License Renewal
Last night, while sitting in my favorite bar, a few of us were having a discussion about driving with a revoked driver's license and the fact that many people just pay the fine, but continue to drive. For some reason, this led us all to pull out our licenses. This is when I realized my license had expired in September. Everyone laughed heartily, except me.
Well, after thirty days you have to take the written and driving test to get your license renewed*. PJ looked up the Iowa DOT website so I could find where to go to take the tests and such.
So, I ended up taking practice written exams, so I wouldn't have to call PJ to come pick me up after I failed. It's really rather interesting.
Test
* I called to make an appointment to do all of this this morning and learned the law has been changed to one year.
I then called a friend who was having a good laugh at my expense.. As I was leaving last night another gentleman came in and explained that the law had been changed.
He decided not to call me so I could sweat a bit.
Well, after thirty days you have to take the written and driving test to get your license renewed*. PJ looked up the Iowa DOT website so I could find where to go to take the tests and such.
So, I ended up taking practice written exams, so I wouldn't have to call PJ to come pick me up after I failed. It's really rather interesting.
Test
* I called to make an appointment to do all of this this morning and learned the law has been changed to one year.
I then called a friend who was having a good laugh at my expense.. As I was leaving last night another gentleman came in and explained that the law had been changed.
He decided not to call me so I could sweat a bit.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Today's Weather Photograph
Today's weather photograph is brought you by "The Back Up". Everyone should all have a shotgun ready at all times, because you never know what might happen in the middle of the night. Or when you are taking that afternoon nap. You could be interrupted by a burglar or rapist or maybe just little Johnny your grandson who likes to sneak into your room and scare you. You just never know what could happen.
Be sure to buy one for every bed in your home. You'll be glad you did!
___________________________________________________
Here is today's weather photograph:
Be sure to buy one for every bed in your home. You'll be glad you did!
___________________________________________________
Here is today's weather photograph:
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
4:20 AM
I fell asleep at 9:30 pm last night. Not my normal bedtime of 11-11:30. So after nearly seven hours I woke up. Not that middle of the night rollover and go back sleep wake up, but AWAKE! As in get out of the bed awake.
One of the first things I do is check ro see what holidays or historical events happened each day. Here is today's list:
AH! I did find the most entertaining read of the day by Andrew Sullivan.
One of the first things I do is check ro see what holidays or historical events happened each day. Here is today's list:
Holidays and EventsI wish I would have rolled over and went back to sleep!
Dec 8,2009
AH! I did find the most entertaining read of the day by Andrew Sullivan.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Today is.....................
Plan Your Epitaph Day!
One of my favorites:
One of my favorites:
"Here lies the body of Richard Hind,
who was neither ingenious, sober or kind."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Today's Exciting things
Dictionary Day
World Food Day
In 1793, Marie Antoinette was executed.
150th anniversary of John Brown’s raid at Harpers Ferry, WV (1859).
Happy Birthday Angela Lansbury!
World Food Day
In 1793, Marie Antoinette was executed.
150th anniversary of John Brown’s raid at Harpers Ferry, WV (1859).
Happy Birthday Angela Lansbury!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Independence Day, 2009
What I did on Independence Day, 2009
Drank GOOD beer! 
Watched Mike smoke meat!
Enjoyed smoked meat, immensely!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
"I saw a guy standing outside his car right here with his finger stuck in his gas tank."
Justin Lagan
Victor Harris of Saginaw, Michigan had a tough start to his morning.
WJRT-TV has the story (with video).
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The End
From the Faribault Daily News:
Minnesota School for the Feeble-Minded and Colony for Epileptics*.
* I have been known to have a grand mal seizure now and then
Monday, October 27, 2008
Captain Crab's Interesting Stuff of the Day
I am a Pirate and I know stuff!
Did you know that Campbell's most popular soup brand is tomato, and that the company sells about 350 million cans each year?To learn more go to Campbell's Soup.
Chicken Noodle is the next highest seller, and has exactly 216 noodles in each can. Although these two U.S. favorites are sold overseas, each country has its own regional favorite. For instance, Watercress and Duck-Gizzard soup is popular in China, and Cream of Chili Poblano soup is enjoyed in Mexico.
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