Communicating while inebriated is very important. Here are a few tips for you inexperienced individuals.
The Surly Slur
This powerful communication tool is very effective when you wish to vent animosity, but have no obvious direction in which to vent it. The secret is to adopt a delicate ego and selective sense of hearing. It goes like this:
You: “Have another drink.”
Acquaintance: “Thanks, but I can’t.”
You: “What? Did you just call me a c***?”
Acquaintance: “No! Of course not.”
You: “Oh, you’re saying I’m a liar then.”
Acquaintance: “What? You got it all wrong. I said—”
You: “Oh, so I’m deaf and dumb then, eh?”
If a listener is really lazy and asks you to repeat yourself, you have three options.
1.) Tell them to pull the corncobs out of his goddamn ears.
2.) Mumble louder.
3.) Wave him off and act supremely insulted for the rest of the evening.
Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm
Half the people in the world were dummies before you strolled in the bar and that percentage will climb in direct proportion to how many drinks you lay into. Of course, a gentleman such as yourself wouldn’t just come out and tell them they’re idiots, no, you will utilize the art of Unbridled Snideness and Sarcasm to express your disdain. No need to be clever or subtle about it, those dolts wouldn’t understand subtlety if you hit them over the head with it.
Dummy: “Wow, it’s packed in here tonight.”
You: “Who are you, the goddamn fire marshal?”
Dummy: “Are you in line for a drink?”
You: “No, I’m just standing here because I get a thrill out of people asking me if I’m standing in line.”
Dummy: “What’s wrong with you?”
You: “What’s right with you?”
Aggressive Exaggeration and Flagrant Falsehoods
What is truth, anyway? Does anyone really know? If five people witness the same event, you’re likely to get five different versions of exactly what happened.
And if nobody else was on hand to witness the event that may or may not have happened, doesn’t the truth lie in your hands, even if you weren’t there?
You: “So, I was on my way to the video store when this van full of gangbangers waving guns tried to run me off the road. They were wearing blue, so I think they were Crips.”
Listener: “Really? What’d you do?”
You: “I floored it and nearly ran into a goddamn fire truck. The guy driving it looked like Kurt Russell.”
Listener: “No shit?”
You: “Yeah. As a matter of fact, it was Kurt Russell. He must be researching some new fireman movie. Anyway, he told me to follow him and we drove to a bar to meet his wife Goldie Hawn and have a couple beers.”
Listener: “Wife? I thought they never got married.”
You: “Well, that makes sense, because she was really hitting on me.”
There. You’re all set. You now have the requisite skills to communicate effectively while blasted. Sadly, none of these techniques will help you talk the bartender into giving you just one more drink.
Thanks to Modern Drunkard for these timely tips.