Thursday, December 30, 2010

Captain Crab's Travel Tip of the Year

Here a few things that you should not do when you are staying in a motel 175 miles from home:

1. Don't leave a message for your wife like this:

"Honey, I may be having a stroke*. 911 has been called".

2. Don't call her from the ambulance (with siren blaring).

3. If you do call her from the ambulance, don't tell her:

"Every thing's fine. No you don't need to drive over. Yet."

"What should you do? Relax and bake a cake."

I hope that you learn from my mistakes.

*I did not have a stroke. It was a "transient ischemic attack".

There is a lot more to this story that will come out in the coming days. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Must be Santa

Today's Christmas song.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Santa Claus and Rudolph

Have you ever wondered how Santa gets it all done in such a short period of time? Here's the explanation.

Jesus has Returned

Yes, it's true!

Little baby Jesus has returned to Everly.

Some could argue he never left, but it's hard to say for sure because Clay County sheriff's deputies won't reveal where they found him.

Here's the story.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Captain Crab's Year in Review

Not really a review, just a few of my favorite pictures from 2010. Some you may have seen before, some you haven't. The last one may not be safe for warm blooded individuals. Enjoy.

Beer Refrigerator

If anyone is thinking of buying a gift for me this year, here is something that I would love to have.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Car Naming and Intellectuals

From Selzer & Company:

A majority of 56% of all Iowans consider themselves intellectuals (1990). But then again, 11% of us have names for our cars, most frequently with names starting with the letter "b," as in Betsy, Bessie, Beulah. Presumably these two findings have little overlap.

For more, go to their website

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Breakup Hit Man

Ready to break up? Don't want to do it yourself? Just contact IDUMP4U

Sunday, December 12, 2010

They aren't really earmarks

Queen Bee Michele Bachmann and some other Repulican lawmakers have decided the term earmarks may need to be redefined. When things in your electoral district need to be funded, what do you do?
“What I’m commenting on is that we need to have a real, practical working definition of what do we mean by” earmarks."
“It’s like what beauty is,” said Rep. Phil Roe (R-Tenn.). “Everyone knows what a bridge to nowhere is, or an airport that lands no airplanes, or a statue to you — everyone knows that’s bad. It’s easy to say what an earmark isn’t, rather than what an earmark is.”

Read more

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Another Holiday Song

Molly has nearly destroyed the Christmas tree, PJ is about ready to kill her and I have a song for you.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Well, it's Started

PJ put up the Christmas tree. Molly is intent on tearing it down. And I post my first Christmas video.

Here' Straight No Chaser singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas:

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Priority Mail

Sometimes it's just a box.

Sometimes it's a box with a cat.

The Next Big Thing

So, you want to make the big bucks. Here's how:


If that doesn't get you excited enough, you can also raise Cats that look like Hitler.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Cher Quote of the Day

Cher discusses the Tea Perty with Jay Leno:

Friday, November 26, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sarah Palin Quote of the Day

Stupid quote, I should add.

"I don't think the majority of Americans want to put up with the blue-bloods," Palin said in a radio interview on the Laura Ingraham Show Wednesday. "With all due respect because I love the Bushes, the blue-bloods who want to pick and choose their winners instead of allowing competition."

Happy Thanksgiving

This is the best thing that I have read in a long time:

We have so much to be thankful for in America, so count me among the grateful.

I'm thankful to live in a country where you can call the president an American-hating, Kenyan-born Muslim Marxist and not in any way have to worry about the government infringing on your right to do so. You can compare the president, or anyone else,

Read Alan Colmes entire opinion at AOL here.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Minnesota Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Monday Music Special Treat

No video, just great Mott the Hoople!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Royal Wedding

Russell Brand discusses the Royal Weddding with Larry King. Delightful!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tea Party Quote of the Day

"Obviously, I am less cautiously optimistic than I was before".

Alaska Senate Candidate Joe Miller

Everyone has Gone Bloody Nuts!

I used to think that Florida had the most loons.

Then the Alaska crazies moved to the top.

Arizona went flying by after the immigration law was passed.

Iowa's right wing zealots who ousted three supreme court justices and have formed a coalition to fight off the ugly, gay loving liberals was, at the top of the heap. Until this:

Bail was set Wednesday at $1,500 for a town of Vermont man accused of shooting his television after becoming enraged by Bristol Palin’s performance on “Dancing with the Stars,” threatening his wife and sparking a 15-hour standoff with Dane County sheriff’s deputies.

So, Wisconsin, home of Bucky the Badger and way too many taverns to count, takes over the top spot. Until I read the news again. Then who knows?

Here's The story with an update here

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"It was definitely not smart''

Some things should not be posted on Facebook.
A 20-year-old Ham Lake man faces nearly $2,000 in fines and restitution for recently poaching two bucks and shooting an over-limit of Canada geese -- and then posting his exploits on his Facebook page.
Read the full story at the Star Tribune

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Date with the Family

Here is is a refresher course about getting along with your family. Good information before Thanksgiving.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Vote for this Guy

a lot of other people would.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

"The best kind of partying is the kind you can’t remember."

"The 1972 tour was known by other names – the Cocaine and Tequila Sunrise tour or the STP, Stones Touring Party. It was the beginning of the booking of whole hotel floors, with no one else allowed up, so that some of us – like me – could get privacy and security. It was the only way we could have a degree of certainty that when we decided to party, we could control the situation or at least get some warning if there was trouble."
Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones in his biography "Life".

A Modern President

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Chimpanzees on LSD

Public hearings are often a formality, a minor road bump. Plenty of earnest folks show up to question the impact of a proposed subdivision or shopping mall upon their neighborhoods and lives, and the politicians pretend to listen.

By that point, though, the deal is already sealed, the necessary majority of votes secured.

This cynical charade has been going on since the beginning of statehood. It's the reason so many Florida cities look like they were planned by chimpanzees on LSD.

Read more here

Those Confederates

Thanks to Little Green Footballs

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

Comment of the Day

From Think Progress:

InvictusCorruptus 10/13/2010 05:01 PM

Everything we've ever been taught to trust and believe in as children was all part of a grand illusion perpetrated by the powers that be in order to control the peasants from uprising.

We have systematically been beaten into submission, becoming apathetic little sheep, ignoring the massive corruption going on behind the scenes by the rich and the powerful, all at the detriment of our country and society.

The advent of new technology will one day be looked upon as a plague by future civilizations. Dehumanizing, dysfunctional, impersonal, divisive, deceptive, destructive. Human kind with all of it's new gizmos and gadgets, from ipods, to blackberry's to PlayStations, we have become a nation of drones, trolls and zombies. lacking empathy or tolerance for others, while with the popularity of fixed news and am talk radio, we have built our barriers, chosen our sides and battle with one another over issues that are tossed out there by politicians, special interest groups and political pundits, issues meant only to further anger and divide the people of this nation and to breed more hatred for others.

Meanwhile while we are battling amongst one another, the rich and powerful become richer and more powerful. The slightest legislation meant to help the poor and the sick, that in a just society would be a no brainer, becomes an all out war carried via the media.

The game is over, the have mores and have a lot more have won. They have conquered we the peasants, the have nots of the world, who if they are lucky to have a job, work their asses off just to survive these days. Yet we still pick our sides, become more divided, playing right into the hands of those pulling all of the strings. Nothing is going to change in this country until the peasants have an uprising. Hoping that one party or the other party will come to their senses is an exercise of futility.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

Bad Joke of the Day

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing", the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled; Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple minutes ago."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Thank You, Belle!

A Hungarian man went to the local rabbi and complained, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?" The rabbi answered without hesitation, "Take your goat into the room with you and come back in a week."

For the rest of the story go here.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A Few Days in South Dakota

What are you lookin' at?

High speed photography

Longhorns and Horses


Friday, September 10, 2010

God is in Charge of Regulating CO2

The Freedom Institute of Erie County (Ohio) has released its Voter Guide. Here is my favorite:

The regulation of Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere should be left to God and not government and I oppose all measures of Cap and Trade as well as the teaching of global warming theory in our schools.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Speed Limits

The speed limit on two lane highways in Iowa is 55 miles per hour. Not 65 like South Dakota or 60 in some other states. However, 60-65 mph has become the norm in Iowa, due to a lot of roads and "lax" enforcement of the speed limit.

I normally drive 60-62 on most rural roads. That's a nice comfortable speed. With proper planning I avoid most small towns and can average an actual speed of between 50 and 55 miles per hour and a fuel mileage around 24 mpg with a four wheel drive pickup.

But, lately traffic has been in ultra high speed mode. People are driving 65-70. They pull up behind and follow as close as possible and pass in the stupidest places. Passing while coming into a small town with children playing is DUMB. Passing going up hill and on curves.

If you wish to kill yourself, that's entirely up to you. But those children don't want to be involved and neither do I.

Waffle House

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

White Folk

Today is my birthday. Here's my present for you.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Found a New Doctor.....

..but I gave this guy a chance.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Friday, August 13, 2010

Richie Hayward

Founding member of Little Feat and native Iowan, drummer Richie Hayward died yesterday. I love his t-shirt in this video.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

Shopping 101

Never purchase more than four (4) items at one time. You may, however, take your first purchase to your mode of transportation and then go back into the store as many times as necessary. But always go through the same checkout line.

NEVER purchase things that are related.

For example, yesterday I bought a comb and six beer*.

Last week it was cheese curds** and heavy duty spray starch. Oh, and six beer.

*Saskatoon for a six pack.

**They weren't fresh. Fresh cheese curds squeak when you bite them. Just like little mice!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Iowa GOP is Loony

Adopted in December 1865, the current 13th Amendment of the Constitution prohibits “slavery” and “involuntary servitude” in the United States or any place under its jurisdiction. The Iowa GOP is not trying to overturn this amendment to reinstate slavery. Instead, it wants to reintroduce the “original 13th Amendment” first offered by senator Phillip Reed of Maryland in 1810. The amendment states that “if any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive or retain any title of nobility or honor” from a “foreign power, such person shall cease to be a citizen” and “shall be incapable of holding any office of trust.” In receiving only 12 out of the 13 votes needed for ratification, the amendment was never adopted.

Traditional supporters of the idea are known as “Thirteenthers,” who seek to prevent those with the title of “esquire,” such as lawyers and bankers, from participating in government. But according to its spokeswoman, Danielle Plogmann, the Iowa GOP supports it as an attack on President Obama’s Nobel Prize win:

There are, of course, other implications of Thirteenthism, such as ensuring that the United States never again suffers the humiliation of having a president win the Nobel Peace Prize. That was just what the Iowa Republicans had in mind, according to Plogmann, who wrote in an e-mail that the plank “was meant to make a statement about the delegates’ opinion about Mr. Obama receiving the prize.” (Presumably they didn’t mind if, in the process, they were also making a statement about any American scientist or writer unlucky enough to win a Nobel.) Unfortunately for them, the Department of Justice looked into whether Obama needed Congressional approval to accept the Nobel under the existing emoluments clause, and based on the meaning of “foreign state” (which would not cover the Nobel Prize Committee) concluded that he did not.

Thanks to Think Progress

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Four Way Stop Dilemma

Today,as I was at a four way stop, the following scenario nearly happened.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

We'll be OK

There's nothing that a bunch of rich white people can't fix.
Trust me.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

South Dakota Wednesday

One Pelican is OK

but, a group of pelicans

blocked my path (the water did too)

Bulls in the mist

A bull on the wrong side of the fence


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Where is Nowhere? Updated

The road to nowhere
THIS is nowhere!

No, I didn't stop!
Sometimes a tree grows in the wheat field
No school today
Caption needed

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Lebron Screws the USA (updated)

Update: the H has a great post about this

An American basketball player (LeBron James) will announce on a television special (ESPN) tonight which basketball team he will play for the next few years.

He is a high school graduate who went from high school to the NBA. No college. No advanced degrees. He will earn more in one game than most people earn in a year.

He is going to fuck ESPN and their advertisers and the American sporting public and they will enoy it.

No wonder the rest of the world thinks we are stupid!

Radio Lobo

NPR is my radio friend of choice. Today I was in country, wing nut, and "Lord help us, Jesus is on his way" radio land. So, the magic seek button found me 97.7 Radio Lobo!

Listening to commercials for McDonald's, Burger King, and other restaurants in spanish was.....interesting. My favorite was a Taco Bell ad for a "bacon club chalupa". I'm not ordering one either!

For your listening pleasure: Locos Desde Ayer by Inquietos Del Norte

Monday, July 5, 2010

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Republican Friends and How to Keep them

No matter what people tell their Democratic friends, everyone knows and even likes some Republicans. This can be a problem at work, lunch, happy hour and even dinner parties*.

So, if you find yourself in the company of several of the YTRBILTs**, remember to occaisionally bring up something that Repulicans hate. You don't actually have to participate in the subsequent conversation, you just want to appear "not liberal".

Try to choose a subject that you are neutral or even negative about, but that you know Republicans hate, such as soccer.

Republicans are especially fond of football and baseball, but tend to shy away from other sports. Top among these ‘other sports’ is the cancer known as soccer. Soccer’s threat to American men has been prevalent since immigrants began arriving on U.S. shores in the late 19th century.

Good luck, you'll need it.

*If you invite Rebs and Dems to the same dinner party, you are one tough person.

**Yes They're Republican But I Like Them

Saturday, July 3, 2010