Saturday, December 29, 2007

Voter Fatique Sets In

Well, with just a few days to go before the Iowa Caucuses, voter fatigue has set in. PJ is registered as a ______ in Iowa and has been an active participant in past caucuses. For this I am very proud of her. But, for the same reason, my Saturday afternoon nap was interrupted four (4) times by phone calls* from various candidates that are courting her. Now that I'm online, they are screwed!

Are any other states willing to step up to the plate for this? Not just the endless television and radio ads, but the constant babble of "so called experts" and having to make sure you don't have to drive through one of the towns where one of the candidates (or their spouse) is appearing. You want this shit? You do it.

But do it the same way Iowans do it. Not just a nice little trip down to the precinct to vote, but retail politics. You receive the phone calls, you answer the door and talk to some punk from who gives a fuck about why you should go to the caucuses and support the candidate who charmed the hell out of this kid and you go to the caucus.

*these aren't actually phone calls, but those bloody automated things. If there was a real person on the other end, at least I could tell them to go..........oh, never mind!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Crab's Political Primer

As we get closer to the Iowa Caucuses, we need to examine the candidates and the pundits. Today we look at the Conservatives.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Pregnant at 16 update

The Borowitz Report as an excellent column that will complement my recent post concerning Jamie Lynn Spear's pregnancy.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Crab's Favorite Holiday Song

I must admit that the past few posts have been rather serious and dealing with politics and such. I've had those icky flu-cold-yucky symptoms for a few days. I'll blame it on that,

Hopefully this will lighten the mood around the Crab Blog. Enjoy!

Captain Crab's Theme Song

M.E. from "Backroads to the White House" has suggested that the following song from T.M.B.G be used as the CCHSA theme song and video. What do all of you think?

One More Thing

I am not a regular reader of the Drudge Report and don't really care if you are, but if this is the kind of news you want, go right ahead.

Pregnant at 16

I usually don't read celebrity news and gossip, but the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy coverage is way too stupid to ignore. CNN asks "How do you talk to kids about Britney's sister?" When I talk to my daughter, who is her early 20's and childless, I'll just say "aren't you happy you weren't that dumb?"

And of course the legal aspects of the case.

There may be more, because I'm still reading CNN!

Update: I tried reading FOX News, but it's just too scary over there.

Update 2: Publishing of Jamie Lynn's Mom's book has been delayed.

I am sure that there will a lot more written about his over the next 7 1/2 months, but I will try to refrain from reading it.

Is Your Health Care This Good?

Rudy Giuliani was taken to the hospital with flu-like symptoms. And he is spending the night there.

I have had flu-like symptoms since Tuesday. PJ made home made turkey* noodle soup for me and has lots of juice for me to consume. She also bought me a nice big box of tissues.

I ask, which of us is doing our part to keep down health care costs?

*it was really good and worked as well as chicken

Monday, December 17, 2007

As I write

FOX News is trying to figure out how to link the small explosion in the Fox News building (in New York, which is really close to New Jersey) with the escaped New Jersey convicts and with New Jersey's ending of the death penalty.

Don't worry, they will have all figured out in time to scare the hell out of us!

My Favorite Loony endorses..........

Fred Thompson!

"Congressman King's leadership in support of the sanctity of life and his efforts in the fight against illegal immigration have made him one of Iowa's great Republican leaders*," Thompson said in a statement. "He's a tireless fighter for the 5th district of Iowa and I'm honored by his support. I look forward to working with Congressman King over the next three weeks and into 2008 in support of the traditional conservative values he and I share."

*that's a sad statement about Iowa's Republican Leadership!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Iowa Poll: the Crab's Analysis

For those of you who may not live in the "Heartland", the "Breadbasket of the World", or "Iowa", as some prefer, the results of the Des Moines Register's Iowa Poll may be confusing.

This is an attempt, albeit a weak one, to explain how Iowans think.

The Republicans:

Mike Huckabee: Iowa Republicans are CONSERVATIVE! They elected Rep. Steve King, didn't they!

Mitt Romney: Mitt has dropped quite a bit lately, probably due to the fact that Iowans like their candidates to use their real first names.

Rudy Giuliani: Rudy was the name of a famous movie about an unknown Notre Dame Football player, not a President.

Fred Thompson: I love "Law and Order". He's running for President?

Ron Paul: This may explain it.

John McCain: Senator McCain hasn't played the game the way we like in Iowa. He doesn't have a big staff headquarters in Des Moines buying take out and having pizzas delivered, he hasn't spent millions of $$$ buying ads on our television and radio stations, and he hasn't come to my hometown and had coffee with the retired people and explained how much better off they would be with him rather than somebody else**.

Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter: Who?

The Democrats:

Barack Obama: Iowa Democrats (caucus types) love someone they believe is not "mainstream" or from DC. Barack fits. Perfectly.

Hillary Clinton: If Ms. Clinton were not in the senate and hadn't been married to Bill, she would be the love of the caucus Dem's like Barack.

John Edwards: We love his hair! He's for the little guy and all of that, but he DIDN'T win last time.

Bill Richardson: He's from Mexico, no, excuse me, NEW Mexico. Close enough to bother a lot of Iowans though.

Not sure/uncommitted: I haven't seen any ads or heard anything about this candidate.

Joe Biden: If he just had hair like John Edwards. Or even more hair.

Dennis Kucinich: We like our Presidents just like we like our basketball players, Tall!

Christopher Dodd: Any relation to Christopher Robin?

**it's all about the money, whether a huge ad campaign or just a cup of coffee. Be sure to leave a tip though.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Crab Endorses......Until I Find Someone Better...

Warren R. Ashe, D-Virginia

Warren Ashe, who previously was a candidate for President in 2000 and 2004 (but failed to compete in any primaries), filed FEC paperwork to make a third run in 2008. From the information he filed with Project Vote Smart in 2004, Mr. Ashe is one of the more eccentric candidates in the race.Ashe claimed he holds a doctorate degree from North Carolina State University. Then again, Ashe also claims to have been "President, United Nations, 1973-2003 ... Appointed President, United States White House, 1981-2003 ... Candidate, United States President, 2000 ... Vice President, West Wing - Carter Administration, 1977-1981 ... [and] Vice President, West Wing - Ford Administration, 1973-1977." He also claims to be a Navy veteran, an Army veteran AND an Air Force veteran.And he writes he owns a $40 million corporation, too. Yeah, right. Here's a choice quote: "I am involved with time travel communications that are real. And capable of time travel contact throughout history itself. I also build flying saucers that are capable of going to another solar system at high warp speed. The time travel transmissions have communicated at least and no less than 500 years into the future. I have used my saucers built by hand at Edgecombe Community College in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. That has already since 1983 taken sperm and DNA into the future. Into the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th centuries. The methods I used are through flux capacitation and wormhole technology."

and for Vice President:

Princess Christina Gerasimos Billings-Elias, D-California

This candidate bills herself as "Princess Christina Gerasimos Billings-Elias" because she claims her great uncle is a "decendant of Queen Victoria." As to being a Princess, it appears to be a title she bestowed upon herself.To give you an idea of just how self-aggrandizing and bizarre this candidate is, here's an excerpt from her campaign site: "Christina born to be President of 'Our America.' ©™. 'The Chosen One," ©™ as proclaimed by Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, friends of Theodore and Evelyn Gerasimos, first Greek in Detroit 1890. People's King of the Greeks emanating from Spartan Royalty Warriors."

Important Steve King Update

Rep. Steve King, my favorite loony congressman, who introduced, H.Res. 847, must be happy today, as his resolution passed, 372 to 9.

For some reason, however, Rep King did not vote.

Maybe it wasn't as important as he made us believe.

Going Wireless

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Nordic Klub", a Minot, North Dakota newsletter reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Velva, ND, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago North Dakota had already gone wireless.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Iowa: Center of the Political Universe

We a getting closer to January 3, 2008, that magical night when Kansas meets Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl. No, sorry, that's for people who CARE about college football.

January 3rd is when the Iowa caucuses take place! Then all of us here in Iowa will go hang out with our friends and decide who the next president should be. Well, not all of us. Only registered party members who care enough*.

I have been thinking of holding an independent caucus. The trouble is I can't find any INDEPENDENT candidates. Most all are beholden to the party line.

We independents just don't have a party line, other than "I've seen those gorgeous eyes before. Could I buy you a drink?".

Anyway, I have added a couple of political blogs to the interesting stuff. Check them out.

*we should all care

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Used to Enjoy Politics

While eating cheese, drinking beer and checking out the news of the day, I ran across a few interesting statements by the Rev Mike Huckabee, the new Republican front runner in Iowa.

If you are a serious Christian Conservative, you probably won't understand why this concerns me (Go to FOX News instead, but thanks for dropping by!).

Here we go:

In November, Huckabee tried to claim the mantle of the GOP's leading terror fighter, arguing:

"I think I'm stronger than most people because I truly understand the nature of the war that we are in with Islamo fascism. These are people that want to kill us. It's a theocratic war. And I don't know if anybody fully understands that. I'm the only guy on that stage with a theology degree."

Ten years ago Huckabee seemed to seemed to claim insight into Christ's likely support for capital punishment:

"Interestingly enough, if there was ever an occasion for someone to have argued against the death penalty, I think Jesus could have done so on the cross and said, 'This is an unjust punishment and I deserve clemency.'"

At a Republican Governors Association Dinner in 2004, Huckabee took the stage and began to deliver remarks when his cell phone rang. He took the phone out of his pocket and proceeded to have a conversation with God about President Bush’s reelection:

"We're behind [Bush], yes, sir, we sure are. Yes, sir, we know you don't take sides in the election. But, if you did, we kind of think you'd hang in there with us, Lord, we really do."

So there is a little bit of The Reverend Huckabee. Scares the bejesus out of me!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

And for Today's Political Junkies

A quiz?

Something Special

This is for all of you who wander here, but especially for PJ

Life Can Only Get Better

According to Rep. Steve King, R-IA we will be fine once his resolution passes.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Crab's Easy Driving Rules

  1. Turn signals have a purpose other than just adding more electronics to your vehicle. USE THEM!
  2. Chances are your vehicle has cruise control. Following someone who varies between 50 and 70 mph is no fun. If you don't know how to put the cruise on and can't read the operator's manual, ask someone to show you how the f&@* to do it!
  3. You don't have to turn the cruise control off to talk on your phone (if you must)*.
  4. Stop lights: Green-go. Red-Stop. Yellow does not mean double your speed!
  5. Food: Trying to eat your french fries, drinking your super sized soda, yelling at your kids so they don't spill in your super sized SUV, while driving 80 mph down the 2 lane highway in the winter is just plain STUPID!!!!
  6. If you have a death wish that's fine. Just don't include me.

If it sounds like I'm a bit upset, you get an A.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Institute for Silly Research

This Internet thing can be fun and educational, too! Today on my normal Sunday morning search for things mundane I learned that "Space Aliens" probably wrote the nursery rhymes that we learned as children. Here is a brief excerpt:

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down;
Hickory, dickory, dock.

Clearly this seemingly nonsense verse only becomes meaningful when we realize that it is nothing less than the principles of special relativity being explained in a form people a thousand years ago could understand: we can see a clear description of the 'mouse'-- obviously a small type of space probe of a type used by Mother Goose's alien race--moving 'up and down the clock' as it maneuvers at speeds approaching that of light between the time it leaves and returns to its dock.
To learn more go to the Institute for Silly Research link.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Crab is in Control!

H, who helped develop this bit of idiocy, turned over complete control to me yesterday.

I have added a list of things that I like browse while having my 1st cup of coffee and my last beer. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I do.

the Crab

The Crab's Moustache Update

I made a serious moustache trimming mistake this morning. Survival chances look slim.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Parenting: Lesson #1

PJ and I raised this miniature donkey shortly after we were married. Having to get up every two hours to feed Sophie was our first parenting lesson*. The veterinarians all said that chances were slim that she would survive. She did. For 19 years.

We did this with baby pigs, lambs, goats, and calves. We may have tried wild animals too. I just can't remember.

* PJ did this a LOT more than I did.

Winter has arrived

A Minnesota Highway Patrol Officer, speaking about yesterday's weather:

"Tell people they can't leave 15 minutes late and get there 20 minutes early," Barnard said. "There are cars in the ditch, cars rolled over. It's winter now."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Pirate Fashion Help Needed

Help me decide which is the best way to style my moustache please.

straight down

semi-handle bar

classic British Brush Back

Thursday, November 22, 2007

What We are Thankful for

Originally from Virginia, we are currently living near Rockwell City, Iowa.

While "1090" and I do miss the lovely scenery in the Southeast, the food here is much better and more plentiful. During the drought in the Southeast last summer it was tough to find enough to eat.

We are thankful that we get to spend the rest of our days (45-90, hopefully 90) in Iowa eating all we want. Our last ride will only be about 60 miles, much better than the 1000 from Virginia to Iowa.

We also want to thank Captain Crab for stopping by to visit* occasionally and giving us this chance to guest blog.

Horny and 1090

*unlike that cattle buyer from Tyson Foods, who looks at us as like we are in a meat market.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Drinking Martinis with the Crab

What are the effects of five martinis on three different people?

I am brilliant and charming.

You are overly talkative.

He is disgustingly drunk.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Presidential Candidates

Captain Crab has not endorsed a 2008 Presidential Candidate. This information is provided only to show you that not all of the candidates are loony. Note: Information from

Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel, R-Michigan

This gadfly candidate -- who also uses the name "Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel" (note: formerly named Philip Silva until he legally adopted the Archangel moniker in 1996) -- appears rather delusional. "From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times," he explains. He says he's a Vietnam War veteran who attempted suicide due to depression and paranoia. He also claims he later became a "a volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay." A former janitor, he is a self-employed "writer" these days. As for politics, he describes himself as a "radical conservative Republican" who recognizes "the fact that America is an official Theocracy." Archangel was arrested on attempted murder and other felony charges in March 2006. "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that," said the Sheriff who arrested him. You can find lots and lots of very long pages of his bizarre writing on his official website:

John Kok, R-California

Evangelical pastor Philip "John" Kok (pronounced "Coke") -- also known as "JP" -- operates his own Mustard Seed Ministry. While his ministry website -- annoying loud in both embedded music and design (plus lots of very blurry photos) -- is full of content, his Presidential site is barren. It essentially consists of this one statement: "Bringing Back the Positive Spiritual Heritage of Our Country!"

Curtis Hayward, R-Texas

Except that Curtis Hayward has filed paperwork with the FEC, no other info is known about this 2008 GOP hopeful. His official campaign organization is named "Hayward for President Aides Cenocide Dismantling Research Association President." No, "Cenocide" isn't a typo, as he spells it that way on a few documents ... and no, we have no idea what the name means.

And now for some Democrats:

Al Hamburg, D-Wyoming

Perennial candidate Al Hamburg, 76, has to date lost 17 consecutive bids for President and for Governor, US Senate and Congress. He proudly described himself in 2004 as the "Very Independent UNPOPULAR Candidate" -- unpopular, he explains, because the special interests and bureaucrats hate him (well, that ... and maybe also because of the Nazi helmet he wore in his 2004 campaign photo). "I make more people mad than I make want to vote for me," he added. A house painter by trade, Hamburg spent nearly twenty years in the Army -- serving in the Korean and Vietnam Wars. He has run for state office repeatedly -- at various times -- as a Democrat, an Independent, and as a member of the now-defunct New Alliance Party. Hamburg also made news in the 1980s when he sued a woman for breach of contract involving a car he sold to her. In the lawsuit, he said the woman agreed to have sex with him fifty times in exchange for the car -- but that she stopped performing her end of the deal after 33 times. Claiming to be a homeless veteran, Hamburg suddenly popped-up in Nebraska in 2000 -- declaring the state as his new residency -- and filed as a candidate there for US Senator in the Democratic primary. Hamburg then quickly moved back to Wyoming and has run for office again there several times since then. No website yet.

Alfonzo Jones, D-California

Except for the fact that Alfonzo Jones filed paperwork with the FEC to run for President -- just as he did in 1996, 2000 and 2004 -- no other info was known about this 2008 Democratic hopeful. No website yet.

Willard as President: Just Say No!

2008 is not the year to elect someone named Willard as President of the United States. We have already had a Millard (even though he wasn't elected*) and I think that is close enough to Willard as we need to go.

Rudy? Sounds like a movie to me.

Duncan Hunter? No, two last names.

Ron Paul? Two first names.

*Millard fillmore succeeded Zachary Taylor who died of acute gastroenteritis.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Posting from MPL

The only reason I am posting this is to show Jeremy that I can post from the Manson Pulic Library parking lot, too. I wanted to do this from the gazebo, but it's a bit chilly today!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Crab's Quote of the Day

“Sometimes I wish I’d went through those good times stone cold sober so I could remember everything, but then again, if I had been sober the times probably wouldn’t have been worth remembering.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Crab and Work

I have to visit a customer that is having problems with some of the equipment that I sell. I called this evening to set up an appointment. Talking to an upset customer is bad, but talking to his wife, who has heard him complain for a few days, is horrible!

The Crab Travel Tip of the Day

Those little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and lotion should be examined very closely.

Lotion doesn't do a very good job of cleaning your hair.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Crab and Bert and Ernie

Terror Alert Level

The Crab's Travel Highlights

Last week was another long one. Wyoming, Denver, and finally the Gaza strip. Never left Iowa, however!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Captain Crab and PJ

Here we are watching the tele together. I'm the one wearing blue.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Captain Crab's Strange Conversation

"You are against abortion and euthanasia?"


"What about capital punishment?"

"Well, I am definitely for the death penalty!"

"So, in your mind Doctors who perform abortions should receive the death penalty?"

"Well, I don't know about the Doctors, but yes, I think so."

"And the women who have abortions should receive the death penalty?"

"No, that's different. They're women!!!"

"But by allowing the abortion aren't they actually co-conspirators in the death of the fetus?"

"Yes, but.........."

"But what?"

blank look

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Captain Crab's Joke of the Day

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts from the Road

Last night the Wheaton Warriors defeated the Edgerton Flying Dutchmen 35-8 to win the Minnesota 9 Man Football State Championship. What I find unusable about his: It was played in the Fargo Dome, on the campus of North Dakota State University.

If you are sitting in a bar, don't have loud conversations on your cell phone discussing how Joe Torre becoming manager of the LA Dodgers will affect your life. Please don't.

Having a suit and tie on doesn't allow you preferential treatment in a small town bar/restaurant! Quit being an asshole.

"Winfrey cuts off 9 inches of Hilary Swank's hair". I know it was for charity, but on the scroll across the bottom of CNN last night, it was listed as the 3rd most important story.

The US Navy has begun a serious assault on Pirates off the coast of Somalia. Don't they understand capitalism?

OK. I am sorry for being a bit negative today. It has been a really bad week.

Why trampolines are dangerous:

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Crab Stupid Quote of the Day

x's attorney, x x, said mental issues and drug use was not a good combination for his client.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Crab's Very Bad Joke of the Day

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Captain Crab's Legal Tidbit of the Day

The following is from Near v. Minnesota. The case concerned the "Public Nuisance Law of 1925". It was also referred to as the "Minnesota Gag Law". The law was overturned by the US Supreme Court in 1931.

The State Supreme Court wrote that a scandalous publication "annoys, injures and endangers the comfort and repose of a considerable number of persons," and so constituted a nuisance just as surely as "places where intoxicating liquor is illegally sold," "houses of prostitution," "dogs," "malicious fences," "itinerant carnivals," "lotteries," and "noxious weeds." The court considered that a newspaper may also endanger safety, because "scandalous material" tended to disturb the peace and provoke assaults.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Captain Crab's Diet Advice

If you want to lose weight don't buy food that comes in buckets.

Captain Crab's Pirate History Lesson

During the 18th century Anne Bonney and Mary Read became professional pirates wearing men's clothing and fighting alongside the other pirates.

When they were caught they escaped the death sentence because unlike male pirates: they both claimed that they were pregnant.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Captain Crab's Pirate Training Film

Science Project or Bar Trick?

Went to one of my favorite restaurants tonight. Great place, cold beer and fantastic food. When I walked in I was greeted by the owners, Bart and Beth. They wanted to thank me (?) for helping their son with his 6th grade science project.

It seems that I did one of my favorite bar tricks a year or two ago at their bar and he used it for a science project! It was too cool!

You have to guess what the trick was.

Flenker knows!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

My new best friend

This little fellow lives in a motel where I stay. He's very quiet, although my snoring bothers him.

You may be a drunkard if....

You start your morning by reaching to the night stand, picking up your phone, pressing re-dial, and apologizing to whoever answers.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thursday, October 4, 2007

For My Favorite Sociologists

You know who you are.

Even the Crab can't make this up!

Today, while stopped on the side of the road to make a phone call, a deputy sheriff stopped to ask me if everything was OK? I told him yes, just making a call.

He then asked "have you seen a refrigerator on the road?"

I hoped to find it, but to no avail. I did feel bad about laughing uncontrollably when he asked the question, though.

There is a gentleman staying in the same hotel as I am tonight. I went down to the bar for a beer, free beer for guests (4-6 pm), when I discovered that he had quit his job today. 6 HOURS from home! The company told him to find his own transportation. I would have waited until getting home to quit, but what do I know?

Update on the Buck an Ear chase

First of all, the pursuit of the Buck an Ear ended with bad results. The crew, still hungover from their excursion into Le Moule, was unable to perform up to my lowest expectations. After 12 hours, I decided to call it off. We will try to get them later. We sailed into Roseau, Dominica, where we were met by The Dread Pirate Roberts. He had flown down on the corporate Pirate Jet to relieve me and take command of the ship while I returned home to take care of some important business and a bit of R & R. He will get the crew into shape.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Dread Pirate Roberts

The Dread Pirate Roberts called me last night to gloat about all of the college football upsets that he, SUPPOSEDLY, predicted. I have known Captain Roberts for a long time and he lies more than a presidential candidate. When I asked him about how much money he had wagered on these games, the phone suddenly went dead.

On a completely unrelated note, we are currently in pursuit of the Buck an Ear. More to come.

Friday, September 28, 2007


Time for FUN, for some!

Sailed from Le Moule to Grande-Anse today. We dropped anchor off the coast of Grande-Terre last night and some of the crew decided to do a little rum drinking and looking for the girls last night. They ran into some rot gut rum and nearly got thrown in jail for acting like pirates.

These boys will be staying on board for the next few months. I just can't handle them acting like me.

They overheard drunken crew members of the "Buck an Ear" discussing the treasure they have on board, so we will be pulling anchor for the chase tomorrow.

the Crab's Recent Travels

Piratin's been tough so far this season. Yes, there is a piratin' season, just like deer season, for example. We started in The Turks and Caicos, then onto Montserat, Angilla and St. Martin. We made it to Guadeloupe late last night. Not one privateer has been spotted so far. The crew is getting restless, so some serious punishment will be needed. We will continue drinking rum and listening to loud rock and roll at a high rate of speed. It has to get better as we head south.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Crab's Advice of the Day

NEVER, ever get into tasting different tequilas with a resident of Jalisco, Mexico.

Captain Crab's Thought of the Day


Thursday, September 20, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

Hygiene is just that thing that happens to other pirates.

Taking a cannonball to the head in me younger days hasn't helped.

Not one to take risks, I enjoy quiet evenings communing with the other vermin down in the lower holds of the ship.

What I lack in physical attractiveness is more than made up for in interesting skin conditions.

I'm a collector. I like things. Not, "nice" things - just things.

Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

Monday, September 17, 2007

Captain Crab's Important Announcement

Captain Crab would like me to inform everyone that Wednesday, September 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Please plan accordingly.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

"Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

What does DAM stand for?

Wait for it...

Mothers Against Dyslexia

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Captain Crab's Travel Tips

Travel Tip #1:

Beer shoes.

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

I drove by a sign today that said "Flea Market."
I have a couple of questions about this:

1. Who buys fleas, and for what purpose?
2. What is the going market price for fleas?

Friday, July 6, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

Just as President Bush was loyal to his loyal liar, Scooter Libby, I was loyal to my wonderful daughter, H, and voted for Pat Neshek for a spot on the American League All-Star Team. And I was happy to do it.

Yesterday was a lot of driving day in Northern Iowa, so I was able to listen to the Twins on WNAX, Yankton, SD. Great game. The Twins came back to tie the score. Then, in the bottom of the eigth, Pat Neshek in to relieve. I am pumped, until the 2-run homer that put the Yankees up 7-5. The Twins did make a game of it in the ninth before falling 7-6.

I am not sure voting for the Neshek guy was a great move now.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

At this point I am still a little groggy headed to put down in words what actually transpired Thursday night in IC. Flenker and I both killed off some of our weaker brain cells, had interesting conversations about a plethora of subjects, and both made it to our respective homes. Fortunately for me, that involved a short walk to the elevator and ride to the 3rd floor of the Sheraton. The Flenker had a 5 or 10 minute walk (he told me but it has faded from my memory). He was lucky enough to stop at a convenience store and purchase some sort of sandwich, however. I think a sandwich would have really helped me.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

Spotted in Early, Iowa:

I stopped to say thanks and take her picture.

Her wonderful Midwest response:

"Thank you for thanking me. It won't be a very good picture."

The sign says Stop the Bloody War.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention.

The driver got out...he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy..."

I replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"

Friday, June 15, 2007

Captain Crab's Thoughts From the Road

Captain Crab's Thought From the Road is a new segment that's going to be popping up from time to time here at Random Mindless Ramblings. Captain Crab will be using this space to impart his wisdom and observation from his travels. Enjoy!

While sitting at this table, enjoying a wonderful dinner, and AH Amber Bock...

I watched golfers hit golf balls...

..into this body of water, and swear!