Sunday, November 18, 2007

Presidential Candidates

Captain Crab has not endorsed a 2008 Presidential Candidate. This information is provided only to show you that not all of the candidates are loony. Note: Information from

Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel, R-Michigan

This gadfly candidate -- who also uses the name "Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel" (note: formerly named Philip Silva until he legally adopted the Archangel moniker in 1996) -- appears rather delusional. "From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times," he explains. He says he's a Vietnam War veteran who attempted suicide due to depression and paranoia. He also claims he later became a "a volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay." A former janitor, he is a self-employed "writer" these days. As for politics, he describes himself as a "radical conservative Republican" who recognizes "the fact that America is an official Theocracy." Archangel was arrested on attempted murder and other felony charges in March 2006. "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that," said the Sheriff who arrested him. You can find lots and lots of very long pages of his bizarre writing on his official website:

John Kok, R-California

Evangelical pastor Philip "John" Kok (pronounced "Coke") -- also known as "JP" -- operates his own Mustard Seed Ministry. While his ministry website -- annoying loud in both embedded music and design (plus lots of very blurry photos) -- is full of content, his Presidential site is barren. It essentially consists of this one statement: "Bringing Back the Positive Spiritual Heritage of Our Country!"

Curtis Hayward, R-Texas

Except that Curtis Hayward has filed paperwork with the FEC, no other info is known about this 2008 GOP hopeful. His official campaign organization is named "Hayward for President Aides Cenocide Dismantling Research Association President." No, "Cenocide" isn't a typo, as he spells it that way on a few documents ... and no, we have no idea what the name means.

And now for some Democrats:

Al Hamburg, D-Wyoming

Perennial candidate Al Hamburg, 76, has to date lost 17 consecutive bids for President and for Governor, US Senate and Congress. He proudly described himself in 2004 as the "Very Independent UNPOPULAR Candidate" -- unpopular, he explains, because the special interests and bureaucrats hate him (well, that ... and maybe also because of the Nazi helmet he wore in his 2004 campaign photo). "I make more people mad than I make want to vote for me," he added. A house painter by trade, Hamburg spent nearly twenty years in the Army -- serving in the Korean and Vietnam Wars. He has run for state office repeatedly -- at various times -- as a Democrat, an Independent, and as a member of the now-defunct New Alliance Party. Hamburg also made news in the 1980s when he sued a woman for breach of contract involving a car he sold to her. In the lawsuit, he said the woman agreed to have sex with him fifty times in exchange for the car -- but that she stopped performing her end of the deal after 33 times. Claiming to be a homeless veteran, Hamburg suddenly popped-up in Nebraska in 2000 -- declaring the state as his new residency -- and filed as a candidate there for US Senator in the Democratic primary. Hamburg then quickly moved back to Wyoming and has run for office again there several times since then. No website yet.

Alfonzo Jones, D-California

Except for the fact that Alfonzo Jones filed paperwork with the FEC to run for President -- just as he did in 1996, 2000 and 2004 -- no other info was known about this 2008 Democratic hopeful. No website yet.

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