Ready or not.............

I'm Back!

Wisconsin Beer Cheese

Sometimes just listening can be as much fun as a person can have fully clothed and not prone. I was in one of my favorite restaurants tonight when a young bearded fellow came in in and sat next to me. Here is the conversation he had with the bartender as best that I can recall:

Bartender: "Can I help you sir?"

Bubba: What kinda soup you got tonight?"

Bartender: Wisconsin beer cheese, chicken noodle, and chili."

Bubba: "Isn't that what you had last night? I don't want the same soup tonight!"

Bartender: I didn't work last night, so I am not sure what soups they served."

Bubba: "Could they make some different soup for me then?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry sir, but those are the soups we have tonight."

Bubba: "Well, this is bullshit! Could I see a menu then?"

The bartender handed him a menu and then went on to take care of some customers who were waiting to be be served. But, Bubba, wasn't done!

Bubba: "Boy, I need to order some food. NOW!"

Bartender: "What can I get you?"

Bubba: "Well if you ain't going to make me any soup, then could I get a plain hamburger"?

Bartender: "A plain hamburger. Would you like anything else with that?"

Bubba: "Hell yeah, I want cheese and pickles and onion and lettuce and tomaters on it too, with fries."

Bartender: "That's called a "loaded cheeseburger" on the menu."

Bubba: "Well, I couldn't see the menu without my readin' glasses on".

Newt Wins Iowa Caucus

Just kidding!

Merry Christmas

Wo-ma-lilly-wa-wa-bippy-bop-a-lula woah yeah! AAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!!

A Warning

Naked ironing can be dangerous.

That is all.

I'm Back

and I am more f@%&*)@ than ever! Ya bloody bastards!

Dwile Flonking

Posted by Th Dread Pirate Roberts

It's been a bit since I have been able to update you concerning Captain Crab. We were sailing off the coast of Virginia last week when a terrible hurricane nearly capsized the ship. We ran aground and have just been able to limp back to port this weekend.

Anyway, the Dear Captain Crab has been spotted in the UK in various pubs trying to get the locals to engage in dwile flonking. He wasn't having much luck so he decided to gongoozle for a few weeks before returning home.

The Captain is not Well

Captain Crab Update (Updated)

Important update below:

posted by The Dread Pirate Roberts

The Captain is recovering in a private mental health institution. The Doctors decided he should be kept for observation. He was mumbling "I love the night life, I love to boogie" over and over.

New flash:

Catain Crab has been diagnosed with the now extremely rare condition "Disco Inferno", which is very hard to treat. His Doctor thinks this may be a permanent condition.

Captain Crab has Been Located

Posted by the Dread Pirate Roberts

Captain Crab was found sleeping in some tall grass along side a lonely highway in Minnesota.

More this evening on this breaking news.

Captain Crab in Canada?

An Message from Captain Crab

Posted by The Dread Pirate Roberts

The Captain sent the following message to me today:

"Effing tourists, effing tourists with kids."

Captain Crab's at it Again

Posted by The Dread Pirate Roberts

Sebastian Bartholomew Jones-Smythe III, former derivatives trader and now a corn farmer, was surprised Saturday morning to find that his lawn had been mowed in the middle of the night. Not only had the grass been cut, but it had a very interesting pattern.

"I never mow the same direction twice, but it never occurred to me to mow the lawn in a continuous circle" said Jones-Smythe. "When I lived in the East, my estate caretaker did some wonderful things but nothing like this" he added.

"I am not upset that someone did this work for me, especially with the hot weather that we are experiencing this weekend. Heat stoke is a distinct possibility for someone like me who has spent most of his life sheltered from the sun and real work. However, I am concerned about the possibility that the fellow who did this might become more brazen in his use of my equipment. What's to prevent him from combining my corn?"

Local authorities suspect that this may be the work of the notorious Captain Crab, who has been missing for the past week. He was last seen with irongrant, a lesser known, but foolish character of sorts.

irongrant is known to have been employed for a time by a lawn care company. The authorities believe that he may have used the threat of hiding Captain Crab's rum to force him into doing this dastardly deed.

The Captain and the Other Fellow

Posted by The Dread Pirate Roberts

The Captain sent me a picture and his plan this evening. It seems as though irongrant has convinced him to start a "Retired Pirates Home". They have secured a building that they believe is suitable. He did not give me any details about location or whether they are purchasing this property or just inhabiting it.

irongrant is still mightily upset about the Philippine fiasco. My understanding of the relationship that these two have is tepid at best. When they are drinking heavily they are as close as brothers. When they sober up the problems start.

My heart tells me this "Retired Pirates Home" is just part of a plan hatched by irongrant to finally get revenge.

Urgent Crab Update

Posted by The Dread Pirate Roberts

Captain Crab and irongrant were last seen walking down an alley in Wadleigh, Iowa. They had been imbibing heavily. A witness to their drinking said he overheard irongrant say something about getting even after the Luzon incident.

How irongrant came to be in Iowa is a mystery to everyone involved. His last known location was either in South Carolina or South Florida. It had south in it anyway.

Their whereabouts is unknown at this time. Below is the last known picture of Captain Crab. No up to date pictures of irongrant are known to exist.

Photograph courtesy of Steve the Pilot Guy .

Captain Crab's Strange Friend

I first met irongrant (he doesn't capitalize his name) in 1975 while he was attending summer school on Pigeon Key, Florida. After a night of drinking and dancing with blue haired ladies, I actually started to like him somewhat. He later joined my crew as a deckhand but was such a pitiful sailor that I had to set him adrift in a dinghy off the coast of the Philippine Island of Luzon.

Over the years we have had sporadic contact. He will send me pictures occasionally that I post, but he a has always asked that he not be credited for his sub par photography skills.

He recently sent me pictures for a post last week and asked that I post them as my own. Which I did. Last night he sent me the following video and said that he is ready to be identified. He has decided to continue his life's work of talking to anything he knows will not talk back to him.

I didn't think setting him adrift would affect him so much.

Captain Crab's Bird Indentification

The Killdeer

Captain Crab's New Friend

If it's Tuesday..................