Captain Crab's Bad Joke of the Day

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
something from you today?"

The kid says "One!"

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!'"

Overheard in Wadleigh, Iowa

"You're the reason we can't have anything nice or new in the house."

PJ talking to one of our cats, Felix*, after he knocked over some things, breaking them.

*does this cute little thing look like he would do anything bad?

Amazing #2

The Davidson basketball roster is as amazing as the support they receive from their school. They have players from: Canada (2), England, France, Nigeria, and Turkey in addition to players from Illinois (2), Maine, North Carolina (3), New York, Ohio, and Virginia.

That's diversity!

More interesting facts are here.

Amazing Support

Davidson College from North Carolina is making a fantastic run in the NCAA basketball tournament. What is more amazing is that almost a third of the students will be at the Regional finals tonight. Here's the story:

More Davidson Students Travel to Detroit for Regional Final

Posted: Mar. 29 9:29 p.m.

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Davidson College, which already sprung for more than 350 students to watch the men's basketball team play in the Midwest Regional, is sending an additional 200 students to see if the team can win a spot in the Final Four.

The new group was expected to board buses on Sunday at 3 a.m. to see the Wildcats play Kansas at Ford Field in Detroit at 5 p.m.

Media relations director Bill Giduz told The Charlotte Observer that the school was able to line up the additional buses, and said the students will return home immediately after the game.

The additional bus loads mean that almost a third of Davidson's 1,700 student population will be at the game. Davidson has never advanced to the Final Four, but the Wildcats have upset three teams in the NCAA tournament and have a 25-game winning streak.

Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

Spring is Here!

"The saddest day is when all the leaves fall off the trees and you shut down baseball -- and you have six more months of ice hockey."

Bill "Spaceman" Lee

Plastics

College graduations will be happening soon all over this land of ours. If you have friends, relatives, or you just like to hang out at graduation parties, please be prepared to give the lucky young lady or lad some advice about there future.

To help you, here is a lesson:

Enjoy!

If you don't like Billy Ocean, Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito or the "Jewel of the Nile", well, screw off!

I have spoken!

the Crab

Anti-American?

Who has the right to call the Reverend Jeremiah Wright a traitor:

In the early 1960s, at a time when many young people were being radicalized by the Vietnam War, Wright left college and volunteered to join the United States Marine Corps. After three years as a marine, he chose to serve three more as a naval medical technician, during which time he received several White House commendations. He came to Chicago to study not long after Martin Luther King Jr.'s murder in 1968, the U.S. bombing campaign in Cambodia in 1969, and the shooting of students at Kent State University in 1970.

read more

Thinking of Marriage?

If marriage is in your future, whether to a journalist or Navy man, consider this as a possible church to be married in.

Photography NOT at 65 miles per hour

It's been a bit since photography has entered this hallowed spot in cyberspace. Here a few things that have caught my eye lately.

Mascot Bracketology

After the first weekend of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, it's time to think about this whole "March Madness" thing. All sorts of people have filled out their "brackets" hoping to win the office pool, bet big, or just have a little fun.

I used to do this also, never even getting close to winning anything. I studied, made all sorts of educated guesses, but nothing. So I quit. Now for the real story:

As far as filling out brackets go, H actually did the best job ever when she was much younger.

Her method was: "which animal are they?" H's actually did much better than I did that year.

So, in the future call one of your friends with small children and recruit one to help you do the "mascot bracket". You'll do better! And you'll have an excuse!

What a Son of a Bitch

Wrapping up a nine-day overseas trip to Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney was asked, in an exclusive interview with ABC News, about the effect on the nation of today's grim milestone of at least 4,000 U.S. deaths over the five-year Iraq war.

Noting the burden placed on military families, the Vice President said the biggest burden is carried by President Bush, and reminded ABC news that the U.S. military in Iraq and Afghanistan volunteered for duty.

Dick, I guess that they don't matter to you one fucking bit, do they?

Only in Missouri

DEEPWATER, Mo. -- Officials were trying Tuesday to decide whether to file charges against a Missouri man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite TV system in the bedroom of their home. Here is the rest of the story.

Tragedy Strikes the Heartland

Nestled near a bottle of extra virgin olive oil and a roll of paper towels is a coffee maker. It wasn't the most expensive or the cheapest, but it made coffee for PJ and me every morning.

Sadly, after making one last pot, it died this morning. We are drinking "cowboy coffee" now.

And PJ is shopping online for a new coffee maker as I type this.

Movie Trailers

Movie trailers aren't like they were when b-movies were all the rage in small town theatres. Enjoy!

Good Friday's Quick Quiz

For all of you that 1. love to hate the Dubya and/or 2. just like to take a quiz every now and then, here is are a few questions about what got us into this thing called Iraq.

Why I Love Warren Zevon

The Surge

Apparently the "surge" is working. This press release from the Department of Defense explains one of the positive results.

Soldiers from the 3rd Infantry Division’s 3rd Battalion, 7th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, are working with Iraqi chicken farmers to help them improve their farms’ capabilities.

Wierd Women

You won't believe this.

Update: You would think that only one wierd thing a day would come from a small town on the Kentucky border. But you would be wrong! Here's an article about a man hit and dragged to his death by a police officer!

Red State Update on Hookers

Don't watch this one at work or in front of the children please!

Are these two related somehow?

Martinis

are made with either gin or vodka. A dash of vermouth and an olive or two, a twist of lemon peel, or a cocktail onion (also called a Gibson).

There is no chocolate, apple, or any other fruit or other wise silly things in a martini!

Martinis get you drunk. Fast. Here is a little saying about martinis and women:

"One at the most, two put you under the table, three put you under the host!

There. You're drinking lesson for the day.

Who Won't be the Democrat's Vice Presidential Candidate

First of all, let me say that the FBI should have better things to do than investigate international prostitution rings. Especially if the minimum charge is $1000/hour. People that can afford hos..er..."Ladies of the Evening" in that price range are really doing society a service. They are redistributing the wealth. These girls are almost like modern day Robin Hoods, taking from the rich and having fun with the rest! And they may even get famous if they have a My Space page and an important john...er..."Client", such as Eliot Spitzer. Of course this isn't the first time that sex and people in high places have caused a bit of moral outrage. Here are a few more infamous gentleman who got in a bit of trouble.

Now for the "Not a democratic vice presidential candidate" list:

Eliot Spitzer: Need I say more?

Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama: I don't think that these two will be able to kiss and make up.

Geraldine Ferraro: Unless Barrack thinks that it will help with the "angry white voters". I don't thinks so!

Captain Crab: Within an hour the media would find something that would cause me to quit.

So Long Omaha!

Well, it's been a tough week for a whole slew of people, including me. A show in Omaha, where the weather was absolutely wonderful, so no customers, outasight food, and too much good beer.

The Democrats have been having their own troubles this week, with the name calling, childish behavior, race baiting, and of course Michigan and Florida. I suspect the way they are ALL fighting has the Republicans happier than baby pigs at supper time. They don't really have to beat the Dem's, but just watch them self destruct.

But, spring is on it's way.

The Loon

Rep Steve King had this to say about being a Muslim: "it's hereditary." If you want to watch the entire interview go here.

Steve King: Loony

Well, Iowa's favorite loony Congressman, Steve King has announced his re-election bid. And in doing so, did what he does best, made sure that everyone, who has a brain realizes: He's a complete loon and a danger to the country. Here are a few examples:

"I don't want to disparage anyone because of their race, their ethnicity, their name - whatever their religion their father might have been," he said. "I'll just say this: When you think about the option of a Barack Obama potentially getting elected President of the United States -- I mean, what does this look like to the rest of the world? What does it look like to the world of Islam?"

I'm not sure Steve, tell me more:

"I will tell you that, if he is elected president, then the radical Islamists, the al-Qaida, the radical Islamists and their supporters, will be dancing in the streets in greater numbers than they did on September 11 because they will declare victory in this War on Terror."

Steve, I still don't understand:

"Additionally, his middle name (Hussein) does matter," King said. "It matters because they read a meaning into that in the rest of the world. That has a special meaning to them. They will be dancing in the streets because of his middle name. They will be dancing in the streets because of who his father was and because of his posture that says: Pull out of the Middle East and pull out of this conflict."

Oh, now it's clear to me. His father was from Kenya and his middle name is Hussein!

That makes fucking sense!

Read the entire article here. Read more about Steve here.

Today' Question

Is the "Gay Marriage" thing really solved?

Sometimes I Get Upset

Sitting by yourself in the back corner of a VERY nice restaurant lets you observe all sorts of human behavior.

Now, 1st of all being conservative has never been on of my strong suits. However, wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm Over Worked and Under Fucked" into said restaurant is just plain rude. Especially when you are with your girlfriend/fiancee/wife.

If you are a 45 year old woman, please don't try to be 22. Or if you are 22, please don't act 70.

I have plenty more, but it's all starting to upset me.

We're All Going to Die!

One of the most read stories on the FOX News website is ''Death Star' Gamma-Ray Gun Pointed Straight at Earth".

Not to worry though, as Sydney University astronomer Peter Tuthill explains:

"We probably have hundreds of thousands of years before it blows, so we have plenty of time to come up with some answers," he said.

This Date in History

March 6, 2003: President held a news conference concerning Iraq and Saddam Hussein.

Editor and Publisher has a column about that press conference.
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The small explosion at a Times Square military recruiting station has given the media something other than the election campaign to talk and write about today. This recruiting station cost you and I $1,000,000 for 520 feet of floor space and a bathroom. Or nearly $1925/square foot. I want one in my town!

For Gwen, PJ, and H

Felix (aka: Bubbie, the Rat, and Not My Cat*)

*Felix came from the same source as another pet that we had. Not that we were looking for more pets.

SHFB has a fantastic little video about cats training their owners.

Great Music!

The Lamont Cranston Blues Band is still my favorite Minnesota band. Here's a bit.

Stupid Videos and Nothing to Say

I was taken to task because of my "embedding these damn Doo-Doo Tube videos".

I don't always have something to say. Occasionally I find something that is funny to me and that someone else might also enjoy. My feeling about this is a lot like my advice to uptight parents about what their children see on the television: If you don't feel like watching the damn thing, don't!

Captain Crab's High Sea Adventures was not started to change the world. And By God I'm not going to start now.

$2,000,000,000,000

That's a whole bunch of zeroes isn't it? That is also what Joseph Stiglitz, a Nobel prize winning economist and Robert Hormats, of Goldman Sachs International, project it will cost American taxpayers for the Iraq War (or the Intervention of Iraq, to save us from those nasty WMDs).

Bob Herbert of the New York Times explores this in a bit more detail here. An excerpt:

Mr. Hormats mentioned Social Security and Medicare, saying that both could have been put “on a more sustainable basis.” And he cited the committee’s own calculations from last fall that showed that the money spent on the war each day is enough to enroll an additional 58,000 children in Head Start for a year, or make a year of college affordable for 160,000 low-income students through Pell Grants, or pay the annual salaries of nearly 11,000 additional border patrol agents or 14,000 more police officers.

Furniture Fun

How Old is Your Car?

If you have a 1998 model car you want to get rid of, head south!
____________________________________________________

March 2, 2008 22:23 PST Hidalgo, Texas (AP)

Some are dented, scratched and rusty. Others rattle and belch under faded paint jobs. But the "'98" soaped onto their windshields and a surprise change in Mexican import rules have turned a single year's worth of used cars into pick of the used-car lot.

Beginning Monday, only cars made for the 1998 model year, none older and none newer, can be legally imported into Mexico. Car dealers were given notice only a month ago.

Until now, used cars 10 to 15 years old were scooped up at auction by South Texas used car dealers and rapidly sold to Mexicans hungry for affordable transportation and "la novedad", or novelty, of unfamiliar makes and models.

Cars newer than that were banned from imports as unwelcome competition for Mexican car dealers, and anything more than 15 years old was seen as a potential environmental and safety hazard.

But now, under pressure from Mexico's new car dealers who say "vehiculos chatarra," or jalopies, undercut their sales, the Mexican government is allowing only 10-year-old used cars to be legally imported into Mexico.

All of a sudden, 1998 Luminas, Astro vans and Ranger pickups are sought-after trophies.

The Mexican Association of Automobile Distributors, which pushed for the change, said it was needed to "stop the accelerated conversion of our country into the world's biggest automotive garbage dump."

The Mexican Consulate in McAllen said the change was made "to restrict the entry of vehicles that compete with the Mexican car industry."

A mile north of the Rio Grande, 80 percent of the customers at Walester Auto Sales are Mexican. But this past week, only one out of the 24 cars on the dirt lot boasted the magic "1998." That vehicle was a white Chevrolet Blazer with a "Redneck" sticker on the windshield and a vanity plate of a silhouetted couple embracing in front of a tropical sunset. It was priced at $3,200.

With the sudden change in demand, such 1998 models are appreciating for the first time since they rolled off the lot, their prices rising by $500 to $800, while dealers cut prices on slightly older models in a frantic effort to move them out before Monday's deadline.

"At this point we have a lot of merchandise that was going to Mexico that now will stay," said Elena Garcia, who owns Walester with her husband, Armando Garcia, who was in Florida scouring auto auctions for more vehicles.

At Gutierrez Brothers, a few Mexican car dealers milled about, shaking their heads at the limited selection. "The worse thing we can do is buy something that we don't know if it can go across (the border)," Juan Gutierrez said. "If a 1997 worth $3,000 can't cross, it's not even worth $1,500." He had to unload about 1,000 cars last month at sharply reduced prices just to avoid getting stuck with them in March.

Gutierrez said his buyers at auto auctions across the country tell him that when a 1998 rolls into the garage, 20 buyers line up where there used to be a handful.

Feats Don't Fail Me Now!

Since embedding has been disabled, for some great music, you will have to make a trip over to YouTube to see Rock & Roll Doctor.

I have epilepsy, but this isn't why

In the middle of the 19th century, it was commonly thought that epilepsy was caused by masturbation. Sir Charles Locock noted that potassium bromide calmed sexual excitement and thought this was responsible for his success in treating seizures.

Writing is SERIOUS Business!

One would suspect that people who write blogs are merely sitting at their computers typing without having done anything special to start the creative juices flowing. After all, most bloggers are probably regular folks, or at least THINK they are, no matter what the subject matter they are writing about.


aaaaarrrrrrrrr! But not the Crab! I have to make special preparations before even thinking about doing this. And dear, sweet, lovely PJ has probably done more to help me get in the mood than anything or anyone else.

Here is the Pirate hat she bought for me and the brand new shirt that just arrived today! Wearing the hat gives me extra special writing prowess and helps me maintain focus when a mental blockage tries to overtake my brain.

This extra special coffee cup* is also necessary. However, if it is empty or without the coffee drops on the side (I spill a lot sometimes) I spontaneously play a game of "FreeCell", thus killing the "spur of the moment" or "by the seat of my pants" writing style that is my trademark**.

*given to me by our good friend C who divides her time between Philly and Florida.

**at least that's what I think

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For all of you Michael Jackson fans, here, courtesy of 23/6 is a quiz.